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<<set $header = 0>>\ <div style="text-align: center;">\ <p class="double">\ <br>CRYPT SHYFTER PIZZA QUEST<br> by kung fu space barbarian<br> </p>\ [[Start|CharCreater]] </div>\ <<set $hp = 10>>\ <<set $sexy = 0>>\ <<set $magic = 0>>\ <<set $sneaky = 0>>\ <<set $beefy = 0>>\ <<set $skill = 0>>\ <<set $gold = 15>>\ <<set $pizza = 0>>\ <<set $beer = 1>>\ <<set $dep = "zero">>\ <<set $inventory= []>>\ <<set $inventory.push("Sword")>>\ <<set $inventory.push("Healing Beer (+5 HP)")>>\ <<set $gun = 0>>\ <<set $boom = 0>>\ <<set $comp = "none">>\ <<set $saved = 0>>\ <<set $header = 1>>\What kind of barbarian are you?<br> [[Beefy]] [[Sneaky]] [[Magical]]HP: $hp GOLD: $gold PIZZA: $pizza<br> <u>INVENTORY</u> <<print $inventory.join("\n")>>\CONGRATULATIONS!<br> You win.As the grand leader of your barbarian tribe, you've been forced to deal with countless catastrophes- plagues, famine, wars, Shyfters- but NOTHING could ever compare with the dastardly act that was committed this morning.<br> [[Continue|deask]]Grinder and Tinder, the wicked Troll Kings, have stolen all of your tribe's pizza! This cannot be tolerated. As the leader of your tribe, it is your duty to seek out their smelly troll cave and get the pizza back... no matter what.<br> [[Continue|gettheidi]]Your adventure begins here, at the edge of the Enchanted Forest, knee-high in a stinky bog. The huge trees ahead are so tall the tops are lost in fog. You have arrived at a fork in the road. There are footprints leading off in both directions.<br> [[Continue|leadingdjkf]]You can hear the sound of sloshing water down the path to the left. The right-hand path leads to a thick tangle of dark trees. Which way will you go?<br> [[Go towards the water|2]] [[Pass through the dark trees|3]]You head down the path and arrive at the edge of a murky swamp. Dozens of logs float in the brackish water. Suddenly one of the logs begins to move, and you realize that they aren't logs at all- they're alligators! The fearsome beasts slither out of the water and attack!<br> [[Fight them with your sword|4]] [[Cast a spell on them|spell]] [[Run across their backs to reach the far side of the swamp|5]]You make your way into the darkest section of the woods and realize you've entered the Grove of the Ancient Fairies. Their city lies high above, hidden somewhere in the trees. You can see the Great Tree of the Fairies in the center of the grove.<br> [[Continue|spirfla]]<<set $roll = random(2,12) + $beefy>>\ <<if $roll gte 6>>\ Calculating results... Success!<br> You slay a dozen ferocious alligators with each mighty swing of your sword! In just a few heartbeats you find yourself standing atop a pile of bloody alligator corpses. Huzzah!<br> [[Continue|slainalligators]] <<else>>\ <<set $hp -= 3>>\ Calculating results... Attempt failed!<br> The alligators slash you with their claws! -3 HP.<br> [[Continue|tryfightagain]] <</if>>\<<set $roll = random(2,12) + $sneaky>>\ <<if $roll gte 6>>\ Calculating results... Success!<br> You leap across the backs of the alligators. They thrash in the water and try to devour you, but you're too nimble! You reach the far side of the swamp safely and leave the alligators far behind.<br> [[Continue|slainalligators2]] <<else>>\ <<set $hp -= 3>>\ Calculating results... Attempt failed!<br> The alligators slash you with their claws! -3 HP.<br> [[Continue|tryfightagain]] <</if>>\You continue down the path and leave the swamp far behind.<br> [[Continue|slainalligators2]]<<if $hp gte 1>>\ The alligators circle you, preparing to attack once more.<br> [[Fight them with your sword|4]] [[Cast a spell on them|spell]] [[Run across their backs to reach the far side of the swamp|5]] <<if $beer gte 1>>\ [[Drink a Healing Beer (+5 HP)]] <</if>>\ <<if $pizza gte 1>>\ [[Eat pizza (+5 HP)]] <</if>>\ <<else>>\ The alligators devour you! Your journey ends here... YOU ARE DEAD! <</if>>\Beefy bonus added!<br> [[Continue|begin]] <<set $beefy += 1>>\Sneaky bonus added!<br> [[Continue|begin]] <<set $sneaky += 1>>\Magic bonus added!<br> [[Continue|begin]] <<set $magic += 1>>\You have just received the worst news of your entire life.<br> [[Continue|worstnews]]<<set $roll = random(2,12) + $magic>>\ <<if $roll gte 6>>\ Calculating results... Success!<br> You cast a spell and freeze the alligators in place! Taking a mighty leap, you spring onto the backs of the alligators and hop across to the far side of the swamp. You race down the pathway, leaving the enchanted monsters far behind.<br> [[Continue|slainalligators2]] <<else>>\ <<set $hp -= 3>>\ Calculating results... Attempt failed!<br> You try to cast a spell but you're too slow. The alligators slash you with their claws! -3 HP.<br> [[Continue|tryfightagain]] <</if>>\The forest begins to grow darker. Strange animals are calling out to one another in the woods. The sad song of singing birds echoes in the trees. Just then you hear a cry for help! It sounds like its coming from the bushes ahead.<br> [[Investigate the bushes]] [[Ignore the cry- it could be a trap]] <<if $beer gte 1>>\ [[Drink a Healing Beer (+5 HP)]] <</if>>\ <<if $pizza gte 1>>\ [[Eat pizza (+5 HP)]] <</if>>\<<set $inventory.delete("Healing Beer (+5 HP)")>>\ <<set $beer -= 1>>\ <<set $hp += 5>>\ <<if $hp gte 10>>\ <<set $hp = 10>>\ <</if>>\ Glug, glug, glug! Ah... refreshing! +5 HP!<br> <<return "Back">>You approach the bushes and find a pixie with a broken leg crying in the dirt!<br> [[Are you all right? What happened?]] [[Suck it up, you wimpy little bug.]] <<if $beer gte 1>>\ [[Stay calm! Drink this healing beer, it will ease your wounds.]] <</if>>\You avoid the bushes and continue on your way.<br> [[Continue|onyourhslkd]]PIXIE: I... I was just minding my own business when suddenly I was attacked by the two nastiest trolls I have ever seen!<br> [[Trolls? Why did they attack you?]] [[I'm hunting a pair of trolls. Did you see where they went?]] <<if $beer gte 1>>\ [[Drink this healing beer, it will ease your wounds.]] <</if>>\The pixie begins to cry.<br> [[Continue|crying]]<<set $inventory.delete("Healing Beer (+5 HP)")>>\ <<set $beer -= 1>>\ You give your healing beer to the pixie. She drinks it with gusto. The magical healing effects take place almost immediately, and her broken leg mends itself right before your eyes!<br> [[Continue|thanks]]PIXIE: Thank you, barbarian! I probably would have been eaten by wolves if you hadn't walked by. I was just minding my own business when suddenly I was attacked by the two nastiest trolls I have ever seen!<br> [[Trolls? Why did they attack you?]] [[I'm hunting a pair of trolls. Did you see where they went?]] [[I'm glad you're feeling better now.]] <<set $saved += 1>>\PIXIE: I have no idea! They were carrying dozens of boxes of pizza and they seemed to be in a hurry, but they took a few moments out of their day to throw rocks at me and push me into this bush. One of the larger rocks crushed my leg. Oh... trolls make me so angry!<br> [[I'm hunting a pair of trolls. Did you see where they went?]] [[I'm glad you're feeling better now.]]PIXIE: I didn't have to see- I know those trolls. They live in a floating castle in the center of this forest. But that place is dangerous! Nobody goes there because it is a madhouse of traps and deadly monsters. You should stay away from that place!<br> [[Those trolls stole our pizza. I must get it back.]] [[Thanks for your concern, but I would overcome all the traps and monsters in the world if they stood between me and my pizza!]]PIXIE: You have helped me so I wish to return the favor. The trolls were carrying lots of pizza, but they dropped some when they attacked me. Here, take these with you!<br> [[Continue|pizzaaa]]PIXIE: Very well. I can see your mind is made up. In that case, I will offer what help I can: the floating troll castle is located in the center of the forest. To reach it you will either need to take the rope bridge that tethers it to the ground or you will need to fly on the back of one of the giant moths living in the Lonely Grove.<br> [[Continue|bewe]]PIXIE: Very well. I can see your mind is made up. In that case, I will offer what help I can: the floating troll castle is located in the center of the forest. To reach it you will either need to take the rope bridge that tethers it to the ground or you will need to fly on the back of one of the giant moths living in the Lonely Grove.<br> [[Continue|bewe]]PIXIE: But beware! Both routes are fraught with danger. Only the hardiest of warriors could hope to survive such a perilous trek to the center of the woods, and even the cleverest of knights might fall prey to the tricks of the trolls!<br> [[Thank you for your advice. I will seek out this rope bridge.]] [[Danger is my middle name. I will take a giant moth as my steed and fly up to the troll castle!]]<<if $saved gte 1>>\ PIXIE: Good luck, barbarian. And thank you again for the healing beer!<br> [[Continue|onyourway]] <<else>>\ PIXIE: It's your funeral. Before you go traipsing into the jaws of death, do you have any healing items? My leg is messed up real bad.<br> [[I'm sorry, I don't have anything.]] <<if $beer gte 1>>\ [[Take this healing beer, it will ease your wounds.]] <</if>>\ <</if>>\<<if $saved gte 1>>\ PIXIE: Good luck, barbarian. And thank you again for the healing beer!<br> [[Continue|onyourway]] <<else>>\ PIXIE: It's your funeral. Before you go traipsing into the jaws of death, do you have any healing items? My leg is messed up real bad.<br> [[I'm sorry, I don't have anything.]] <<if $beer gte 1>>\ [[Take this healing beer, it will ease your wounds.]] <</if>>\ <</if>>\<<set $inventory.delete("Healing Beer (+5 HP)")>>\ <<set $beer -= 1>>\ You give your healing beer to the pixie. She drinks it with gusto. The magical healing effects take place almost immediately. Her broken leg mends itself right before your eyes!<br> [[Continue|thankss]]PIXIE: Thank you, barbarian! I probably would have been eaten by wolves if you hadn't walked by.<br> [[Why did the trolls attack you?|Trolls? Why did they attack you?]] [[I'm hunting a pair of trolls. Did you see where they went?]] [[I'm glad you're feeling better now.]] <<set $saved += 1>>\The pixie hands you two slices of pizza!<br> [[Why did the trolls attack you?]] [[Did you see where the trolls went?]] <<set $pizza += 2>>\PIXIE: I have no idea! They were carrying dozens of boxes of pizza and they seemed to be in a hurry, but they took a few moments out of their day to throw rocks at me and push me into this bush. One of the larger rocks crushed my leg. Oh... trolls make me so angry!<br> [[Did you see where they went?]]PIXIE: I didn't have to see- I know those trolls. They live in a floating castle in the center of this forest. But that place is dangerous! Nobody goes there because it is a madhouse of traps and deadly monsters. You should stay away from that place!<br> [[Those trolls stole our pizza. I must get it back.]] [[Thanks for your concern, but I would overcome all the traps and monsters in the world if they stood between me and my pizza!]]PIXIE: I didn't have to see- I know those trolls. They live in a floating castle in the center of this forest. But that place is dangerous! Nobody goes there because it is a madhouse of traps and deadly monsters. You should stay away from that place!<br> [[Those trolls stole our pizza. I must get it back.]] [[Thanks for your concern, but I would overcome all the traps and monsters in the world if they stood between me and my pizza!]]PIXIE: You... you're just as awful as those trolls! What kind of slime ball stops to insult an injured stranger? Leave me alone!<br> [[I'm sorry, I didn't mean that. I've been having a rough day.]] [[Whatever. I hope you get eaten by wolves.]]PIXIE: YOU'RE having a rough day?? This is the worst day of my entire life! I... I was just minding my own business when suddenly I was attacked by the two nastiest trolls I have ever seen!<br> [[Trolls? Why did they attack you?]] [[I'm hunting a pair of trolls. Did you see where they went?]] <<if $beer gte 1>>\ [[Drink this healing beer, it will ease your wounds.]] <</if>>\The pixie begins to cry harder. You leave her behind and venture deeper into the woods.<br> [[Continue|onyourhslkd]]The pixie flutters off into the trees and you continue on your way.<br> [[Continue|onyourhslk]]The pixie begins to cry and asks you to go away. You leave her behind and continue on your way.<br> [[Continue|onyourhslk]]<<set $inventory.delete("Healing Beer (+5 HP)")>>\ <<set $beer -= 1>>\ You give your healing beer to the pixie. She drinks it with gusto. The magical healing effects take place almost immediately. Her broken leg mends itself right before your eyes!<br> [[Continue|thankssg]]PIXIE: Oh, thank you so much! You are a real life-saver! Good luck on your quest, barbarian. I'll never forget you!<br> [[Continue|flies]]The pixie flutters off into the trees and you continue on your way.<br> [[Continue|onyourhslk]]<<if visited("3")>>\ You venture even deeper into the heart of the forest.<br> [[Continue|venture]] <<else>>\ You make your way into the darkest section of the woods and realize you've entered the Grove of the Ancient Fairies. Their city lies high above, hidden somewhere in the trees. You can see the Great Tree of the Fairies in the center of the grove.<br> [[Continue|spirfla]] <</if>>\<<if visited("3")>>\ After nearly an hour of grueling travel, you finally arrive at the troll castle. There's just one problem: the castle is floating a hundred feet up in the air!<br> [[Continue|choice]] <<else>>\ You make your way into the darkest section of the woods and realize you've entered the Grove of the Ancient Fairies. Their city lies high above, hidden somewhere in the trees. You can see the Great Tree of the Fairies in the center of the grove.<br> [[Continue|spirfla]] <</if>>\What are you going to do?<br> [[Incinerate the mud men with magic]] [[Battle the mud men with your sword]]<<set $roll = random(2,12) + $sneaky>>\ <<if $roll gte 6>>\ Calculating results... Success!<br> You leap on the back of one of the giant moths and zoom up into the air!<br> [[Continue|flying]] <<else>>\ <<set $hp -= 2>>\ Calculating results... Attempt failed!<br> You try to climb on one of the giant moths, but you lose your grip and fall off. -2 HP.<br> [[Continue|falloff]] <</if>>\The castle appears to be tethered to the ground by a rope bridge. You also notice hundreds of giant moths fluttering around nearby. You could probably reach the castle by riding on the back of one of the giant moths or you can climb the steep rope bridge.<br> [[Ride on a giant moth]] [[Take the rope bridge]] <<if $beer gte 1>>\ [[Drink a Healing Beer (+5 HP)]] <</if>>\ <<if $pizza gte 1>>\ [[Eat pizza (+5 HP)]] <</if>>\The moths are fluttering around very fast.<br> [[Try to catch one!]]You are just about to step onto the bridge when suddenly three vicious mud monsters spring out of the ground!<br> [[Continue|mudmonsters]]You steer the moth towards the castle, but suddenly a swarm of killer bees bursts out of the trees and attacks!<br> [[Blast them with magic|magicbees]] [[Swat them away with your sword]]<<if $hp gte 1>>\ The moths flutter all around you.<br> [[Try again|Try to catch one!]] <<else>>\ You try to climb on one of the moths, but it takes off and you lose your grip. You plummet to the ground and break all the bones in your body! Your journey ends here... YOU ARE DEAD! <</if>>\<<set $roll = random(2,12) + $magic>>\ <<if $roll gte 6>>\ Calculating results... Success!<br> You shoot flames out of your eyeballs and burn the bees to a crisp!<br> [[Continue|flyingmudmenbees]] <<else>>\ <<set $hp -= 3>>\ Calculating results... Attempt failed!<br> The bees sting you! -3 HP.<br> [[Continue|falloffmudpiesbees]] <</if>>\<<set $roll = random(2,12) + $beefy>>\ <<if $roll gte 6>>\ Calculating results... Success!<br> You swat the bees out of the air and clear a path to the castle.<br> [[Continue|flyingmudmenbees]] <<else>>\ <<set $hp -= 3>>\ Calculating results... Attempt failed!<br> The bees sting you! -3 HP.<br> [[Continue|falloffmudpiesbees]] <</if>>\<<set $roll = random(2,12) + $magic>>\ <<if $roll gte 6>>\ Calculating results... Success!<br> You shoot lightning out of your eyeballs and blast the monsters into electrified mud puddles!<br> [[Continue|flyingmudmen]] <<else>>\ <<set $hp -= 3>>\ Calculating results... Attempt failed!<br> The mud men throw mud pies at you! -3 HP.<br> [[Continue|falloffmudpies]] <</if>>\<<set $roll = random(2,12) + $beefy>>\ <<if $roll gte 6>>\ Calculating results... Success!<br> You slice the mud men apart! They burst into fountains of muddy slime and dissolve away.<br> [[Continue|flyingmudmen]] <<else>>\ <<set $hp -= 3>>\ Calculating results... Attempt failed!<br> The mud men slap you with muddy hands! -3 HP.<br> [[Continue|falloffmudpies]] <</if>>\With the mud men defeated, you race up to the top of the bridge and enter the castle.<br> [[Continue|insidecastle]]<<if $hp gte 1>>\ The mud men crawl towards you.<br> [[Incinerate the mud men with magic]] [[Battle the mud men with your sword]] <<if $beer gte 1>>\ [[Drink a Healing Beer (+5 HP)]] <</if>>\ <<if $pizza gte 1>>\ [[Eat pizza (+5 HP)]] <</if>>\ <<else>>\ The mud men belly flop on you, smothering you with mud. Your journey ends here... YOU ARE DEAD! <</if>>\A magnificent spiraling staircase winds up to the top of the tree. At the base of the stairs you spot two fairies tending to a wounded unicorn.<br> [[Approach them]] [[Sneak past them]] <<if $beer gte 1>>\ [[Drink a Healing Beer (+5 HP)]] <</if>>\ <<if $pizza gte 1>>\ [[Eat pizza (+5 HP)]] <</if>>\You step out into the clearing. The fairies immediately spin around and draw their swords, demanding that you stand back.<br> [[I mean you no harm! I seek a pair of trolls who passed this way. Have you seen them?]] [[Get those spears out of my face or I'll shove them up your butts!]]<<set $roll = random(2,12) + $sneaky>>\ <<if $roll gte 10>>\ Calculating results... Success!<br> The fairies are too absorbed in their work with the unicorn to notice you. You sneak through the forbidden grove and continue on your way.<br> [[Continue|check]] <<else>>\ Calculating results... Attempt failed!<br> You attempt to creep past the fairies, but their hearing is sharp! They immediately spin around and draw their swords, demanding that you stand back.<br> [[I mean you no harm! I seek a pair of trolls who passed this way. Have you seen them?]] [[Get those spears out of my face or I'll shove them up your butts!]] <</if>>\With the bees defeated, you fly up to one of the castle's open windows, leap off your giant moth steed, and climb inside.<br> [[Continue|insidecastle]]<<if $hp gte 1>>\ The bees swarm around you.<br> [[Blast them with magic|magicbees]] [[Swat them away with your sword]] <<if $beer gte 1>>\ [[Drink a Healing Beer (+5 HP)]] <</if>>\ <<if $pizza gte 1>>\ [[Eat pizza (+5 HP)]] <</if>>\ <<else>>\ You feel the sting of a thousand bees. Their venomous stings leave you unable to move. You fall off the moth and plummet to the rocks far below. Your journey ends here... YOU ARE DEAD! <</if>>\<<set $key = 0>>\ You are standing in a circular room made of stone. A bronze statue has been erected in the center of the room. Tiny pieces of chalk have been scattered at the base of the statue. What do you want to do?<br> [[Examine the statue]] [[Go upstairs]] [[Enter the kitchen]] [[Go down into the cellar]] <<if $beer gte 1>>\ [[Drink a Healing Beer (+5 HP)]] <</if>>\ <<if $pizza gte 1>>\ [[Eat pizza (+5 HP)]] <</if>>\FAIRY: Those rotten trolls passed through here just a few minutes ago. They called this poor unicorn nasty names! I don't think he will be able to survive- unicorns thrive on kindness and happy words! Stay strong, Tinkle... stay strong!<br> <<if $beer gte 1>>\ [[Perhaps this healing beer will help your unicorn forget his troubles for a while?|Stay calm! I have healing beer- it can ease your unicorn's wounds.]] <</if>>\ [[Good luck with your unicorn. I must find those trolls at once!]] [[Can you tell me anything else about the trolls?]]PIXIE: If it's a fight you want, it's a fight you'll get! ATTACK!<br> [[Stab them with your sword]] [[Turn them into slugs with a magic spell]]You pour the healing beer down the unicorn's throat. The healing magic takes place almost immediately.<br> [[Continue|tinkle]] <<set $inventory.delete("Healing Beer (+5 HP)")>>\ <<set $beer -= 1>>\<<if visited("Thank you for your advice. I will seek out this rope bridge.")>>\ After nearly an hour of grueling travel, you finally arrive at the bridge the pixie spoke of. You are just about to step onto the bridge when suddenly three vicious mud monsters spring out of the ground!<br> [[Continue|mudmonsters]] <<else>>\ After nearly an hour of grueling travel, you finally arrive at the grove the pixie spoke of. Hundreds of giant moths flutter in the clearing.<br> [[Try to catch one!]] <</if>>\<<set $pizza -= 1>>\ <<set $hp += 5>>\ <<if $hp gte 10>>\ <<set $hp = 10>>\ <</if>>\ Pizza time! +5 HP!<br> <<return "Back">>You leave the fairies and proceed further into the forest.<br> [[Continue|check]]PIXIE: The trolls live in a floating castle in the center of this forest. The castle once belonged to a powerful elf warrior. Rumor has it there is a hidden armory somewhere in the castle's kitchen. If you were able to find that armory, the weapons and armor would be of great use against the trolls!<br> [[Thank you for your assistance.]] [[Good luck with your unicorn. I must find those trolls at once!]]<<set $roll = random(2,12) + $beefy>>\ <<if $roll gte 6>>\ Calculating results... Success!<br> You stab the fairies with your sword. They bleed out all over the grass. Rotten fairies!<br> [[Continue|slainalligatorffs]] <<else>>\ <<set $hp -= 3>>\ Calculating results... Attempt failed!<br> The fairies stab you with their spears! -3 HP.<br> [[Continue|tryfightagafairin]] <</if>>\<<set $roll = random(2,12) + $beefy>>\ <<if $roll gte 6>>\ Calculating results... Success!<br> You turn the fairies into slugs with a magic spell. They slurp all over the grass. Rotten fairies!<br> [[Continue|slainalligatorffs]] <<else>>\ <<set $hp -= 3>>\ Calculating results... Attempt failed!<br> The fairies stab you with their spears! -3 HP.<br> [[Continue|tryfightagafairin]] <</if>>\TINKLE: Does anyone else feel like dancing? I think I could tap dance all the way to the moon and back!<br> [[Continue|thak]]PIXIE: That did it! Thank you, barbarian. Your kindness has restored Tinkle back to his old self. Please take this as thanks for your generosity.<br> [[Continue|genre]]The pixies give you a Magic Ring! You magical abilities increase by 1!<br> [[Continue|Can you tell me anything else about the trolls?]] <<set $magic += 1>>\ <<set $inventory.push("Magic Ring")>>\You leave the fairies and proceed further into the forest.<br> [[Continue|check]]<<if visited("2")>>\ You venture even deeper into the heart of the forest.<br> [[Continue|venture2]] <<else>>\ You head down the path and arrive at the edge of a murky swamp. Dozens of logs float in the brackish water. Suddenly one of the logs begins to move, and you realize that they aren't logs at all- they're alligators! The fearsome beasts slither out of the water and attack!<br> [[Fight them with your sword|4]] [[Cast a spell on them|spell]] [[Run across their backs to reach the far side of the swamp|5]] <</if>>\<<if visited("Thank you for your advice. I will seek out this rope bridge.")>>\ After nearly an hour of grueling travel, you finally arrive at the bridge the pixie spoke of. You are just about to step onto the bridge when suddenly three vicious mud monsters spring out of the ground!<br> [[Continue|mudmonsters]] <<elseif visited("Danger is my middle name. I will take a giant moth as my steed and fly up to the troll castle!")>>\ After nearly an hour of grueling travel, you finally arrive at the grove the pixie spoke of. Hundreds of giant moths flutter in the clearing.<br> [[Try to catch one!]] <<else>>\ After nearly an hour of grueling travel, you finally arrive at the troll castle. There's just one problem: the castle is floating a hundred feet up in the air!<br> [[Continue|choice]] <</if>>\<<if visited("2")>>\ You venture even deeper into the heart of the forest.<br> [[Continue|venture2]] <<else>>\ You head down the path and arrive at the edge of a murky swamp. Dozens of logs float in the brackish water. Suddenly one of the logs begins to move, and you realize that they aren't logs at all- they're alligators! The fearsome beasts slither out of the water and attack!<br> [[Fight them with your sword|4]] [[Cast a spell on them|spell]] [[Run across their backs to reach the far side of the swamp|5]] <</if>>\<<if $hp gte 1>>\ The fairies dance around you, preparing to attack once more.<br> [[Stab them with your sword]] [[Turn them into slugs with a magic spell]] <<if $beer gte 1>>\ [[Drink a Healing Beer (+5 HP)]] <</if>>\ <<if $pizza gte 1>>\ [[Eat pizza (+5 HP)]] <</if>>\ <<else>>\ The fairies kill you! Your journey ends here... YOU ARE DEAD! <</if>>\<<if visited("Write on the anvil with chalk")>>\ The magic in this statue has been used up. It is just a statue now.<br> [[Back|mainhall]] <<else>>\ The huge bronze statue has been crafted in the likeness of a dwarf blacksmith. He raises his mighty hammer as if to forge something on his anvil.<br> [[Put your sword on the anvil]] [[Write on the anvil with chalk]] [[Do something else|mainhall]] <</if>>\You climb a spiral staircase and arrive at a locked door.<br> [[Examine the door]] [[Try to open the door]] <<if $key gte 1>>\ [[Use the Silver Key]] <</if>>\ [[Go back downstairs|mainhall]]<<if visited("filthykitch")>>\ You return to the kitchen.<br> [[Check the fridge]] [[Investigate the pantry]] [[Go back|mainhall]] <<else>>\ The kitchen is filthy.<br> [[Continue|filthykitch]] <</if>>\<<if visited("tricksn")>>\ Why would you want to go back down there?<br> [[Back|mainhall]] <<else>>\ You descend a set of stone steps into the cellar. The door behind you immediately seals itself. The trolls laugh at you from some unseen location.<br> [[Continue|tricksn]] <</if>>\TINDER: Nothing in the cellar but tricks and death, barbarian! Test your wits and prove your worth! Only the cleverest barbarians will escape!<br> [[Continue|lskfjgddk]]You are standing in a cobblestone dungeon. There are four iron levers on the wall. Words have been scribbled across the floor in chalk.<br> [[Read the words]] [[Examine the levers]] [[Pull a lever]]"To the left lies endless slumber, To the right a nasty flood. If you hope to survive The fits of laughter Head towards the water."<br> [[Examine the levers]] [[Pull a lever]]The levers all look identical. They are made of iron. Someone polished them recently.<br> [[Read the words]] [[Pull a lever]]Which lever will you pull?<br> [[Left]] [[Middle left]] [[Middle right]] [[Right]]You yank the lever on the left. The room instantly fills with sleeping gas! The last thing you hear before falling into an endless slumber is the laughter of trolls...<br> [[Continue|youar]]You yank the second lever to the left. The room instantly fills with laughing gas! You laugh until you cry. Then you keep laughing. Your cheeks hurt from laughing so much. You can't breathe. You keep laughing. You can't tell who's laughing anymore. It's probably the trolls. You die of laughter.<br> [[Continue|youar]]You yank the second lever to the right. The doorway behind you slides open. The laughter of trolls turns into grumbling and muttered curses. You flee the room.<br> [[Continue|mainhall]]You yank the lever on the right. The room begins to fill with water! You desperately search for an escape, but there is none to be found. The last thing you hear before drowning is the laughter of trolls...<br> [[Continue|youar]]Your journey ends here... YOU ARE DEAD!What do you want to do?<br> [[Examine the statue]] [[Go upstairs]] [[Enter the kitchen]] [[Go down into the cellar]] <<if $beer gte 1>>\ [[Drink a Healing Beer (+5 HP)]] <</if>>\ <<if $pizza gte 1>>\ [[Eat pizza (+5 HP)]] <</if>>\You place your sword on the anvil. Nothing happens.<br> [[Write on the anvil with chalk]] [[Do something else|mainhall]]What do you want to write?<br> [[Trolls stink!]] [[Draw a key]] [[I love pizza!]] [[Draw a banana]]The statue nods his head and smiles.<br> [[Continue|mainhall]]You draw a key on the anvil. Suddenly the statue springs to life and forges you a silver key! The statue hands you the key and then returns to its original state.<br> [[Continue|mainhall]] <<set $key += 1>>\ <<set $inventory.push("Silver Key")>>\Suddenly the statue springs to life and forges you a tiny slice of metal pizza! The statue hands you the pizza and then returns to its original state.<br> [[Continue|mainhall]] <<set $inventory.push("Metal Pizza")>>\You draw a banana on the anvil. Suddenly the statue springs to life and forges you a golden banana! The statue hands you the banana and then returns to its original state.<br> [[Continue|mainhall]] <<set $inventory.push("Banana")>>\The door is sealed with a gemlock. Four tiny gems sit in a container nearby: a red ruby, a glittering diamond, an obsidian shard, and a brilliant sapphire. They will need to be placed in the correct slots in order to open this door. A riddle has been scrawled on the wall in chalk.<br> [[Read the riddle]] [[Insert the gems]] [[Go back downstairs|mainhall]]The door won't budge. It is sealed with a magical gemlock.<br> [[Examine the door]] [[Go back downstairs|mainhall]]The Silver Key won't work on this door. This door is sealed with a magical gemlock.<br> [[Examine the door]] [[Go back downstairs|mainhall]]"Fire and ash never touch A diamond sits between them What starts with darkness ends with life Red and blue are lovers at the very end."<br> [[Insert the gems]] [[Go back downstairs|mainhall]]What order do the gems go in?<br> [[Sapphire, diamond, ruby, obsidian|wrongcode]] [[Obsidian, ruby, diamond, sapphire|wrongcode]] [[Ruby, sapphire, obsidian, diamond|wrongcode]] [[Sapphire, obsidian, diamond, ruby|wrongcode]] [[Obsidian, diamond, ruby, sapphire]] [[Ruby, obsidian, diamond, sapphire|wrongcode]]<<set $hp -= 3>>\ <<if $hp gte 1>>\ A bolt of electricity shoots out of the lock and zaps you! - 3 HP.<br> [[Read the riddle]] [[Insert the gems]] [[Go back downstairs|mainhall]] <<else>>\ A bolt of electricity shoots out of the lock and zaps you! - 3 HP. You have run out of HP... YOU ARE DEAD! <</if>>\The lock falls apart and the door swings open. You enter the room beyond.<br> [[Continue|therooom]]You are standing in a dirty living room. It smells like feet. Two of the fattest, hairiest, ugliest trolls you've ever seen are sitting on the couch eating pizza and drinking beer. The savages!<br> [[Hand over my pizza, you disgusting slugs!]] [[You know what... I'm not sure I want this pizza back after all...]]<<if visited("defeatspiders")>>\ No point opening that up again.<br> [[Continue|kitchen]] <<else>>\ You open the fridge. Dozens of angry spiders scuttle out and attack!<br> [[Hack them apart with your sword]] [[Freeze them with magic]] <</if>>\<<if visited("Can you tell me anything else about the trolls?")>>\ The pantry is filled with mold and maggots.<br> [[Continue|hiddenoor]] <<else>>\ The pantry is filled with mold and maggots. There is nothing of use here.<br> [[Go back|kitchen]] <</if>>\<<set $roll = random(2,12) + $magic>>\ <<if $roll gte 6>>\ Calculating results... Success!<br> You hack the spiders apart and swat them away!<br> [[Continue|defeatspiders]] <<else>>\ <<set $hp -= 3>>\ Calculating results... Attempt failed!<br> The spiders bite you! -3 HP.<br> [[Continue|fspidattack]] <</if>>\<<set $roll = random(2,12) + $magic>>\ <<if $roll gte 6>>\ Calculating results... Success!<br> You enhance the coldness of the fridge and turn the spiders into ice cubes!<br> [[Continue|defeatspiders]] <<else>>\ <<set $hp -= 3>>\ Calculating results... Attempt failed!<br> The spiders bite you! -3 HP.<br> [[Continue|fspidattack]] <</if>>\You need a key to unlock this door.<br> <<if $key gte 1>>\ [[Use the Silver Key|silah]] <</if>>\ [[Go back|kitchen]]What do you want to do?<br> [[Check the fridge]] [[Investigate the pantry]] [[Return to the main hall|mainhall]]<<if visited("silah")>>\ Nothing more to be found here.<br> [[Go back|kitchen]] <<else>>\ Just then a glint of silver catches your eye. There is a hidden door in here!<br> <<if $key gte 1>>\ [[Use the Silver Key|silah]] <</if>>\ [[Try to open it]] [[Go back|kitchen]] <</if>>\You insert the Silver Key and unlock the door. There is a secret armory hidden back here!<br> [[Continue|armory]]The armory is filled with magic weapons and armor. You notice a picture on the wall of the elf warrior hugging a giant, grinning barbarian wearing karate pants. Choose a magic item!<br> [[Suit of Demon Armor]] [[Void Gauntlets]] [[Laser Katana]] [[Magic Hat]] [[Dragonbone Greataxe]]<<set $inventory.push("Suit of Demon Armor")>>\ <<set $beefy += 2>>\ You put on a Suit of Demon Armor. +2 beefiness!<br> [[Continue|exitthearmors]]<<set $inventory.push("Void Gauntlets")>>\ <<set $sneaky += 2>>\ You put on a pair of Void Gauntlets. +2 sneakiness!<br> [[Continue|exitthearmors]]<<set $inventory.push("Laser Katana")>>\ <<set $beefy += 1>>\ You took a Laser Katana. +1 beefiness!<br> [[Continue|exitthearmors]]<<set $inventory.push("Magic Hat")>>\ <<set $magic += 2>>\ You took a Magic Hat. +2 magic!<br> [[Continue|exitthearmors]]<<set $inventory.push("Dragonbone Greataxe")>>\ <<set $beefy += 2>>\ You took a Dragonbone Greataxe. +2 beefiness!<br> [[Continue|exitthearmors]]You exit the armory and return to the kitchen.<br> [[Continue|kitchen]]You slam the fridge door closed. Icky spiders...<br> [[Continue|kitchen]]<<if $hp gte 1>>\ The spiders swarm around you.<br> [[Hack them apart with your sword]] [[Freeze them with magic]] <<if $beer gte 1>>\ [[Drink a Healing Beer (+5 HP)]] <</if>>\ <<if $pizza gte 1>>\ [[Eat pizza (+5 HP)]] <</if>>\ <<else>>\ The spiders devour you. Your journey ends here... YOU ARE DEAD! <</if>>\One of the trolls licks a slice before throwing it back in the box. He tosses the box at your feet.<br> [[Continue|eatup]]GRINDER: Good! Because you're not getting it back! We're trolls, and we defile all good things with our trolling! Now get out of our living room, you stupid barbarian.<br> [[Leave]] [[Beat the stuffing out of them for stealing your pizza]]The door behind you swings shut. The trolls giggle on the couch.<br> [[Continue|sljkirj]]<<set $roll = random(2,12) + $beefy>>\ <<if $roll gte 10>>\ Calculating results... Success!<br> You charge ahead and grab one of the pizza boxes. The fat trolls scream in terror at your rage, but it is no use! You beat the stuffing out of them with the pizza boxes and smash their heads together.<br> [[Continue|defeatspiderstrolls]] <<else>>\ <<set $hp -= 4>>\ Calculating results... Attempt failed!<br> The trolls begin teleporting around the room and throwing garbage at you! -4 HP.<br> [[Continue|fspidattactrollsk]] <</if>>\GRINDER: Dig in, ding dong.<br> [[Leave]] [[Beat the stuffing out of them for stealing your pizza]]You look around at the destroyed room. You have defeated the trolls, but they've ruined your pizza!<br> [[SHERGBLATT! GRANT ME A BOON!]] [[Really? Did I just lose a CRYPT SHYFTER game?]]<<if $hp gte 1>>\ The trolls laugh at you.<br> [[Chop off their heads and poop down their necks]] [[Cast a spell to make them devour each other]] <<if $beer gte 1>>\ [[Drink a Healing Beer (+5 HP)]] <</if>>\ <<if $pizza gte 1>>\ [[Eat pizza (+5 HP)]] <</if>>\ <<else>>\ The trolls kill you! Your journey ends here... YOU ARE DEAD! <</if>>\TINDER: Leaving so soon? Why don't you stay? Snuggle up with us on the couch! Make yourself comfortable. After all... this is our LIVING ROOM!<br> [[Rotten trolls. They never stop trolling, do they?|chairs]] [[Buttheads...|chairs]]Suddenly the chairs and tables come to life and attack!<br> [[Destroy the furniture with karate chops]] [[Break the spell with a counter-charm]]<<set $roll = random(2,12) + $beefy>>\ <<if $roll gte 6>>\ Calculating results... Success!<br> You destroy the furniture with fancy kicks and karate chops!<br> [[Continue|defeatfurnitheu]] <<else>>\ <<set $hp -= 3>>\ Calculating results... Attempt failed!<br> The chairs smash into you! -3 HP.<br> [[Continue|fspidatfurninttrollsk]] <</if>>\<<set $roll = random(2,12) + $beefy>>\ <<if $roll gte 6>>\ Calculating results... Success!<br> You cast a counter-charm and the enchanted furniture crashes to the ground!<br> [[Continue|defeatfurnitheu]] <<else>>\ <<set $hp -= 3>>\ Calculating results... Attempt failed!<br> The chairs smash into you! -3 HP.<br> [[Continue|fspidatfurninttrollsk]] <</if>>\<<set $roll = random(2,12) + $beefy>>\ <<if $roll gte 10>>\ Calculating results... Success!<br> You slice off the trolls' heads and poop down their necks. They totally deserved it.<br> [[Continue|defeatspiderstrollswinner]] <<else>>\ <<set $hp -= 4>>\ Calculating results... Attempt failed!<br> The trolls begin teleporting around the room and throwing garbage at you! -4 HP.<br> [[Continue|fspidattactrollsk]] <</if>>\<<set $roll = random(2,12) + $magic>>\ <<if $roll gte 10>>\ Calculating results... Success!<br> You cast a spell and suddenly the trolls begin to devour one another! It is a gruesome fate, but certainly deserved.<br> [[Continue|defeatspiderstrollswinner]] <<else>>\ <<set $hp -= 4>>\ Calculating results... Attempt failed!<br> The trolls begin teleporting around the room and throwing garbage at you! -4 HP.<br> [[Continue|fspidattactrollsk]] <</if>>\You look around at the destroyed room. You have defeated the trolls, but they've ruined your pizza!<br> [[SHERGBLATT! GRANT ME A BOON!]] [[Really? Did I just lose a CRYPT SHYFTER game?]]The top of the castle rips open and suddenly the Divine One Herself appears before you. Her Holy Hideousness is too much for mortal eyes to look at directly, and so you turn away. Her voice sounds like a thousand heavenly farts, and before you know it she's gone.<br> [[Continue|sherku]]The top of the castle rips open and suddenly the Divine One Herself appears before you. Her Holy Hideousness is too much for mortal eyes to look at directly, and so you turn away. Her voice sounds like a thousand heavenly farts, and before you know it she's gone.<br> [[Continue|sherku]]When you open your eyes you see that the castle has been restored to its former glory and there are a hundred boxes of fresh, hot pizza waiting for you on the table!<br> [[Continue|divinel]]Your heart swells with joy as you excitedly race back to your village with the pizzas, delivering slices to those in need along the way. You arrive home to the cheers of your people, and once again resume your never-ending pizza party of awesomeness!<br> [[Continue|thenedlk]]You may have defeated the trolls for now, but they'll be back someday... evil trolls always come back. But when they do, you'll be ready for them. For now, enjoy your pizza! Slaughtering trolls can wait for another day, and another off-the-wall episode of CRYPT SHYFTER!<br> [[THE END!]]GRINDER: Curse you, barbarian! You've destroyed my favorite sitting chair! I sit in that chair when I eat cheese balls and type rude comments to strangers on the internet!<br> [[Beat the stuffing out of them for stealing your pizza]]<<if $hp gte 1>>\ The furniture screeches along the hardwood floors, leaving scuff marks.<br> [[Destroy the furniture with karate chops]] [[Break the spell with a counter-charm]] <<if $beer gte 1>>\ [[Drink a Healing Beer (+5 HP)]] <</if>>\ <<if $pizza gte 1>>\ [[Eat pizza (+5 HP)]] <</if>>\ <<else>>\ You are bludgeoned to death by a flying couch. Your journey ends here... YOU ARE DEAD! <</if>>\Empty pizza boxes are scattered all over the table and dozens of crushed beer cans have been thrown around the room. The floor is covered in chocolatey footprints and there are cheesy crumbs all over the counters. A giant rats runs by with a half-devoured carton of ice cream.<br> [[Check the fridge]] [[Investigate the pantry]] [[Go back|mainhall]]<<if $header == 1>>\ <div class="myDiv">\ <span class='no'>\ <div style="text-align: center;">\ <<link "Back">><<run Engine.backward()>><</link>> | <<link "Save">><<script>>UI.saves()<</script>><</link>> | [[Restart][state.restart()]] </div>\ </span>\ </div> <</if>>\<<run UI.restart()>>\ [[Restart][state.restart()]]