Well, for a few more years until someone runs you down in the street, but that’s no good way to end a story.
You choose heads. Unfortunately, this turns out to be the wrong choice and the skull laughs hysterically as the ground [[swallows you up]].
It looks like your Uncle Rex. Quite a bit like your Uncle Rex. In fact, it looks so much like your Uncle Rex that if you put the two of them side by side-\n\nHang on! It is your Uncle Rex!\n\n“Uncle Rex!” you cry. “What happened to you?”\n\n“I died,” is the somewhat predictable response. Uncle Rex never did have much of a flare for the dramatic. “Don’t you remember? You [[killed me]]!”\n\n“What?”
Humans, goblins, even a few orcs. Just an everyday street in other words.\n\nYou take a good long look at it then turn your attentions to the bedroom and take a [[look]] at that instead.\n
The forest itself is a creepy environment, full of the [[cries]] of distant beasts and a [[cold wind]] which rushes here and there. All in all, it’s not the sort of place you'd choose to spend any great length of time given a choice in the matter. To the [[east]] you see a graveyard, [[south]] is a circle of standing stones in which a floating skull can be seen, [[west]] is a cottage which looks darkly sinister and [[north]]… well, not much at all to be honest.
Lacking any form of weapon to help you in smashing the window, you elect to smash it with your head.\n\nYes, your head.\n\nNeedless to say, this is somewhat [[painful]].\n
You're in the Land of the Dead, which isn't as interesting as it sounds because the budget for the game got cut at the last moment so instead of a sprawling shadowy landscape complete with zombies, ghouls and an evil Dark Lord of Mordor-type being brooding over everything, you just get these few lines of text to look at. \n\nWhen you’ve had your fill of this blatant cost-cutting and want to get back to the game, click [[this bit]] here.\n
You wake up not knowing who you are, where you are or what you're doing here. As far as clichés go, this is a doozy.\n\n[[Where are you?]]
It doesn’t look like a very familiar street but this might well be where you live. It has several [[people]] hurrying along it.
You use the knocker.\n\n“No!” cries a voice from within. “You need to try the [[doorbell]] or the [[intercom]]!”\n\nOr just head away from this strange cottage towards the [[haunted forest]].
“Killed me with disappointment, I mean,” Uncle Rex goes on. “I never wanted much from you – bringing about world peace, living forever, becoming the richest man in the world. But what did you do?”\n\n“Um… yes. What did I do?”\n\n“You disappointed me! That’s what you did! Bah, I don’t know why I bother.”\n\nAnd he proceeds to not bother after that point and ignores everything else you say, leaving you with striking up a conversation with the [[zombies]] or the [[ghoul]].\n
You try to venture into an area of the game that has yet to be written, but become confused, wander around lost for a while, and then find yourself back in the [[forest]].
No, same story. The door isn't opening.\n\nAt this stage, you either have the choice to keep [[waiting]] until you die of boredom, commit [[suicide]] in despair or open the [[other door]] over in the corner.\n
The inside is, indeed, as boring as the outside.\n\nCuriosity satisfied, you leave the wardrobe to its own devices and take a [[look]] at what else is here.\n
You lie on the bed. It’s reasonably comfortable, but certainly not likely to win any awards. After a time of lying there and waiting for something more interesting to happen, you debate whether to have a quick [[nap]] or get up and have a [[look]] around.
Suicide it is.\n\nOh, wait. You didn’t actually mean to commit suicide and you just clicked the option because it was there?\n\nToo bad. You're [[dead]].\n
Yes, the other door. Which is wide open.\n\n(Did I forget to mention that in the room description earlier? My bad.)\n\nYou decide to stop wasting time and step [[through the door]] and into…\n
Ignoring the [[other door]], you elect to keep waiting.\n\nAs you might imagine, this isn't very interesting or productive.\n
You're outside a gingerbread cottage deep in a [[haunted forest]]. There's a [[doorbell]] here, and a [[knocker]] and even an [[intercom]] system.
You're in a boring generic bedroom, the kind of boring generic bedroom that most games have at some point. It’s got the basics - a [[bed]], a [[wardrobe]], a [[window]] overlooking the [[street]] down below, a [[door]] – but not much else as if whoever designed this place got bored partway through and just decided to leave it at that.
You study the window. The window studies you back. You don’t know which one of you is the least impressed by this exchange.\n\nThrough the window (which is [[locked]]) you can see a [[street]] down below with a few [[people]] passing by.
The nap passes swiftly. Afterwards, nothing has changed and you're left with the realisation that you need to do something soon. So you get up and have a [[look]] around the bedroom.
The zombies give you a disgusted look.\n\n“Comfine our faws?” one screeches.\n\n“That’s… that’s…” the second one begins to screech then trails off. “You know, that’s not a bad idea. Oi, you - gimme your jaw!”\n\nAnd before you know it, the two fall to fighting amongst themselves on the ground. \n\nOver to one side, the [[ghoul]] sighs and says, “Humans”.\n
And – hey presto! – you're back in the bedroom having a [[look]] around. Try not to die this time, okay?
ACAG (Another Cliched Advenure Game) by David Whyld
You step into the graveyard. It is, predictably, quite spooky. There's a [[skeleton]] just lying on the ground, a couple of [[zombies]] playing cards and what looks like a [[ghoul]] defacing some of the gravestones. If not for the fact that you're uncommonly brave, you'd be quite terrified by now.
And somewhat fatal. \n\nIt looks like you're [[dead]].\n
The cold wind is cold. And wind-like. As informative as this is, you decide it doesn’t really require any further investigation and take a look at the [[forest]] instead.
“Not at all. It’s all totally original and definitely not ripped wholesale off another fantasy story because the author couldn’t think up anything better. Now, do you have the magic cloak which renders you invisible, the wand that can’t be beaten and your two companions, the cute girl and the ginger-“\n\n“I'm not Harry Potter.”\n\n“Oh.” The ghoul looks disappointed. “Shame. He would totally have aced the Death Lord. Ah well, you'd best be going.”\n\nYou look around. “Which way?”\n\n“Oh, [[west]] or [[south]] ought to do it. The Death Lord is definitely not here.”\n
The door. And a locked door to boot. No need to check your possessions for a key because you don’t have one. \n\nAside from the door deciding to open of its own accord, which isn't very likely to be honest, you have several ways of proceeding from this point: you could attempt to [[smash]] it down, [[knock]] on it in case someone feels like coming and letting you out, or simply [[wait]] for something to happen.
You knock. The door doesn’t open.\n\nBit of a bummer there, but not entirely surprising.\n\nNow you're left with either attempting to [[smash]] it down or [[wait]] for something to happen.\n
You press the intercom.\n\n“No!” cries a voice from within. “You need to try the [[doorbell]] or the [[knocker]]!”\n\nOr just head away from this strange cottage towards the [[haunted forest]].
You ring the doorbell. \n\n“No!” cries a voice from within. “You need to try the [[knocker]] or the [[intercom]]!”\n\nOr just head away from this strange cottage towards the [[haunted forest]].
You chose tails. \n\n“Ha, you lost,” says the skull. “Now, do everyone a favour, kill yourself and we can-“\n\n“Show me the coin.”\n\n“Um…” The skull attempts to hide the coin behind its back – which doesn’t exist and therefore isn't very successful. The coin falls to the ground, displaying tails on both sides.\n\n“You cheat!” you declare, and at this the skull is defeated, the world saved and you live [[happily ever after]].\n
It looks like someone bought it from a car boot sale for a laugh and then threw it in a corner and left it there for several decades. Yes, it’s that bad.\n\nIt’s also closed, which naturally makes you want to [[open]] it to see if the inside is as boring as the outside.\n
You decide to wait the door out. You figure that after a thousand years, the hinges will have rotted away and you'll be free. Piece of cake.\n\nSo you wait…\n\nAnd wait…\n\nAnd wait…\n\n[[And]]…\n
Later, you're still waiting. The door is still locked. You're still getting nowhere fast. Something tells you this course of action might not be the 100% success story you were hoping for.\n\nMaybe if you wait [[some more]], it will be a different story.\n
Not for you a simply bashing of the shoulder into the door as some people would try. Oh no, you use your head.\n\nLiterally.\n\nUnfortunately, the door is quite a bit harder than your head and the impact shatters your brain. Which, considering you thought breaking a door down with your head was a good idea, isn't any great loss.\n\nYou're [[dead]] it seems.\n
… a forest.\n\nYes, a forest.\n\nAs you might be expected to do in such circumstances, you immediately spin around and look for the door you stepped through, only to find yourself staring at a [[tree]] which, while made from wood in the same way the door was, is in no way, shape or form a door. How odd.\n\nThe forest itself is a creepy environment, full of the [[cries]] of distant beasts and a [[cold wind]] which rushes here and there. All in all, it’s not the sort of place you'd choose to spend any great length of time in given a choice in the matter. To the [[east]] you see a graveyard, [[south]] is a circle of standing stones in which a floating skull can be seen, [[west]] is a cottage which looks darkly sinister and [[north]]… well, not much at all to be honest.\n
Locked, and likely to remain so for the foreseeable future on account of you not having a key to open it. \n\nUnless, of course, you want to trying [[smashing]] it open. If not, you'd better have a [[look]] around the bedroom and see if anything else catches your eye.\n
You're in a boring generic bedroom, the kind of boring generic bedroom that most games have at some point. It’s got the basics covered - a [[bed]], a [[wardrobe]], a [[window]] overlooking the [[street]] down below, a [[door]] – but not much else as if whoever designed this place got bored partway through and just decided to leave it at that.
Spooky and then some. You can’t see what's making them and you aren't sure you want to know but you can just tell they're bad news. Some kind of monsters of the [[forest]]?
You give the tree the evil eye and it returns your evil eye with an even more evil one. You respond with the evilest eye you know, and the tree gives you an even eviler eye still.\n\nThis goes on for some time.\n\nAt the end of which, you conclude that, regardless of the degree of evilness of the tree, staring at it for great lengths of time isn't getting you anywhere. Time to turn your attentions elsewhere in the [[forest]].\n
It’s a bed. Pretty standard fare for bedrooms from what you hear. You could probably [[lie]] on it if you wanted, but as little would be achieved by that, you might be better off taking a [[look]] around instead.
After it’s finished swallowing you up, it spits you back out.\n\n“Oh, come on!” says the skull. “You lost! You chosen wrongly!”\n\n“Show me the coin.”\n\n“Um…” The skull attempts to hide the coin behind its back – which doesn’t exist and therefore isn't very successful. The coin falls to the ground, displaying tails on both sides.\n\n“You cheat!” you declare, and at this the skull is defeated, the world saved and you live [[happily ever after]].\n
You reach a circle of standing stones complete with a floating skull in the middle of them. To say this is all a little sinister would be the understatement of the year. \n\n“Ah, the One,” says the floating skull, its words perfectly clear despite the fact that it has no body. “Welcome to the Matix.”\n\n“The Matix?”\n\nThe skull looks embarrassed (which is quite a feat considering it doesn’t even have any skin). “Um… yeah… the other word we wanted kinda got trademarked by someone else so we ended up going with- Anyway! Welcome to the Matix, the One! Here you will face challenges so devastating, so terrifying, so deadly that you have no chance of winning, but you must accept all the same because otherwise the world will be destroyed.”\n\n“Whoever writes your dialogue needs a smack,” you say.\n\nThe skull glares at you. “The challenge begins.” It produces a coin. “[[Heads]] or [[tails]]?”\n
“Sowwy,” says the first zombie, whose lower jaw is missing, “but we haf fandards.”\n\n“Fandards?”\n\n“Standards you don’t come up to,” says the second zombie, whose upper jaw is missing. “Please be gone.”\n\n“But I just-“\n\n“Thumans are tho ignorfant,” says the first zombie.\n\nYou wonder if suggesting they [[combine]] their jaws, making one complete set, would help matters, but then again you might be better off just ignoring them and talking to the [[ghoul]] instead.\n
As you return to the forest, you notice it’s different than it was before. For a start, most of the text has gone and for seconds, only the path to the [[south]] remains. Meaning that unless you feel like remaining here for the rest of your life, you'll need to head [[south]] at some point.
You approach the ghoul. Seen up close, it’s even uglier than when seen from afar, and believe me it was no beauty even from back there. \n\n“You're probably wondering why you're here,” it says. “Well, let me tell you: you're the Chosen One!”\n\n“The chosen one?”\n\n“No, the Chosen One! With capitals! You need to undertake a quest to find a magic ring and then go to the Dark Land and kill the Death Lord. Oh, and there might be a magic sword along the way as well. And some small folk with furry feet and a wise old wizard. And maybe a dragon or two.”\n\n“That all sounds [[very familiar]].”\n