Start of a transcript of
Chicks Dig Jerks
Interactive Fiction 
Copyright (c) 1999 Robb Sherwin 
Standard Level 
Mature Content as rated by ESRB (Strong language and adult situations) 
(First time players of this game should type "ABOUT")
Release 1 / Serial number 990930 / Inform v6.13 Library 6/9 
Standard interpreter 0.2 (6E) / Library serial number 990428

>verbose
Chicks Dig Jerks has now entered.... Maximum Verbosity.

>talk to keegan
Please select one:

(1) >"Hey, where did Pang go, anyway?"
(2) >"What are your goals tonight, Keegan?"
(3) >"You still taking it in the face?"
(4) >"Anything interesting happen at work today?"

Select a choice or 0 to keep quiet. >> 2

"I'm just looking to talk to three girls. That's all I want. Well, three
numbers, really. Three numbers would be good. And three hot girls, too. I need
to restock my phone number supply. You know how I have that drain in the shower
that is like a black hole? After losing my toothbrush, razor, soap,
V.I.N.C.E.N.T and Old B.O.B. in it, an entire container of those acne pads fall
in it. And now it's all backed up. I call a plumber to come by and fix it... I
come home that day and he took half the phone numbers down off my corkboard. Who
fricking *does* that? What world does that guy live in?"
>s

Dance Floor
Ah, the famed dance floor of Mick's Unwashed Outback Tavern! It is here where
negotiations for the interest of several types of girls begin. The floor itself
is actually set a few feet lower than the bar and the  various tables and
booths. It's not exactly a mosh pit; its intended effect instead is to display
those with the fortitude  and personal esteem to rock out to the rest of the
frightened losers or sloshed denizens. If you're lucky (as you have been in the
past) you put on a good enough show to get a kiss after a couple songs end. If
you're like Keegan you thrash about as if in an intense epileptic seizure and
usually come quite to blows with some random chud with a baseball cap just
centimetres above his eyes. 
>s

Some random table
The tables of this place always remind you of some ancient midwest speakeasy
where stoic mobsters discuss carpetbagging, debauchery and cement shoes.
You seat yourself.

Keegan is by your side, sipping a beer.

You can also see a brunette here.

>talk to her
Please select one:



>l

Some random table
The tables of this place always remind you of some ancient midwest speakeasy
where stoic mobsters discuss carpetbagging, debauchery and cement shoes.
You seat yourself.

Keegan is by your side, sipping a beer.

>n

Dance Floor
This is the dance floor of the Tavern. A dark and most confusing pit of hormonal
frustration.  Currently, the deejay is playing some awful brand of club mix.

<< Here you need to get the phone numbers of two different girls. The game will
let you know when that has been accomplished by giving you the following
message.....>>



You're starting to feel the pangs of a full bladder.

>e

Outside the Bathroom
You are currently waiting outside the bathroom at Mick's. There only seems to be
two or three chuds ahead of you at the present time. You've always wondered why
they painted pictures of the Ameba on the inside of the stalls. There are
definitely greater heroes to pick from when designing the indoor of a filthy
bathroom. You would have thought that the Golden Avenger, for instance, would
pull the effect off much better. Pang's not here, so he either finally got
inside or is outside barfing on the patio.
Keegan is by your side, sipping a beer.

A short, aggressive shitwank is before you in line.
>talk to keegan
Please select one:

(1) >"Hey, where did Pang go, anyway?"
(2) >"You still taking it in the face?"
(3) >"Anything interesting happen at work today?"

Select a choice or 0 to keep quiet. >> 1

Keegan looks to the east. "Pang tried to go to the bathroom like a light year
ago. And I know that's a measurement of time, not distance. I don't know what
the hell is taking him so long, there's almost no guys here. Unless he's hoping
for a stall because he hates the trough-style urination which occurs in that
filthy sinkhole. That could be it."
You notice that there are a couple guys ahead of you in line who seem to be
regarding you with a fair amount of disdain.

>listen
You hear the little punk -- apparently his name his Shayne -- speak to the lanky
fuck which is apparently his friend. They are regarding you with absolute
contempt and think you're a bit of a fancy boy!
The short guy comes up to you. He says, "You fucking looking at something,
dick?"

>talk to the shitwank
Please select one:

(1) >"Sorry, what was that?"
(2) >"Lick 'em, Tom Thumb. I will fucking ruin you."
(3) >"No, no problems whatsoever!"

Select a choice or 0 to keep quiet. >> 2

"Yeah? Let's fucking go, bitch. Come on. If you're fucking man enough, you
pissing coward pussy."
>attack him
After all the violence comes to an end you gather together with Pang and Keegan.
Pang asks you if you're ready to take off, and it looks like there is very
little else to do tonight. You respond affirmatively. 

As you're about to leave, Shasta comes up to you and puts her hand on your
shoulder. 

"Avandre," she says, "I was just wondering. Um, would you like to come home with
me?" She gives you a little smile and makes eye contact awaiting your response.

>(Yes/No)
yes
"I'd love to," you say. You give a quick heads-up to Keegan and Pang with Shasta
on your arm. "Hey, remember that time you two did the 3D-modeling for that hot
action game Virtua Queef?"

Keegan sees that you've got a girl with you. "Get lost, assjack." 


[Please press SPACE to continue]

<< There is a lengthy cut-scene here.>>

[Please press SPACE to continue]


You wake up the next morning and manage to stumble out of your house and drive
yourself to work.


Break Room
You're in the break room. Usually other grave robbers and thieves hang out here
waiting for jobs to be phoned in. You've spent many a night here playing Pang in
'i45 Panzer Armada or Super Action Battle 64 on the game console. A few guys
seem to be playing a linked version of a game you're somewhat unfamiliar with.

You can see Criswell here, sacked out on the couch.

You can see Pang here.

>talk to pang
Please select one:

(1) >"What the hell took so long in there?"
(2) >"Christ, man, did you fall in?"

Select a choice or 0 to keep quiet. >> 1

"I hate having to go in there... everybody's always hogging the stalls."

Pang shoots Criswell in the face with a grenade launcher. He yells, "Eat it,
bitch!"

>talk to pang
You really have nothing to say right now.


Criswell retaliates with a rapid layer of hot slag that slices through the air,
killing Pang's character. "This ain't Championship Manager, McDickle. Ya gots
t'pay *attention* out there!"

>z
Time passes.


Criswell gets up for a moment and goes to the refrigerator. He picks up a jug
and sniffs it. "Hey, is this orange juice?" 

Everyone replies, "Yeah."

Criswell wrinkles his nose and is visably irritated. "Look, is it orange juice
or just a really big screwdriver?"

Everyone replies, "Screwdriver."



>z
Time passes.


The video game crashes. Pang slams his fist down on the console. "Dammit! This
fucking thing has more bugs than a tropical swamp!"

Keegan enters and gives you a nod. "Just a sec and I'll be ready to go," he
says.


>talk to keegan
Please select one:

(1) >"You ready to go?"
(2) >"What's the plan for tonight?"

Select a choice or 0 to keep quiet. >> 2

"Yeah, I just got voice-mail on what's going down tonight. A dead geezer by the
name of Stella DeBartelo was buried the other night at the St. Peter Memorial.
Apparently she was buried in a fur coat along with some other valuables like
gems and such. Details on exactly what she had on her was kinda sketchy. Anyway,
The Pete is pretty easy to get into so the worst part should be the drive
itself."


Criswell appears visably annoyed. "What the fuck do you think you're doing, you
fat piece of trash? Keep hitting the system like I hit your mom last night and
I'll bust a cap through your ass."



>talk to keegan
Please select one:

(1) >"You ready to go?"

Select a choice or 0 to keep quiet. >> 1

"Yeah, let's get the hell out of here. It's about a two-hour drive. I'll drive."

You follow Keegan out and get into his chevette.


Inside the Chevette
You are inside Keegan's '86 Chevette. You've ribbed him about the car many, many
times and it never gets old. In fact, you pride yourself in thinking of new ways
to express, in quite biting sarcasm, "Keegan, your car sucks." There is
approximately eight pounds of loose garbage strewn about the interior, the lord
of which seems to be Keegan's tobacco spitter neatly residing in the cup holder.
The windows are blackened from a failed tint job which is now quite severely
peeling. The backseat is dominated by months-old newspapers, half-chewed
altoids, the occasional used condom and a mysterious clear vial containing an
unknown fluid. The car's floor is mostly rusted out providing for a
"Flintstones" effect that never, ever, stops being funny.

Your shovel is buried underneath a ton of crap in Keegan's backseat.

>take the shovel
Ah! It feels good to once again have your shovel in your possession.

>look at the junk
Yeah, Keegan's got a lot of junk back here. It's almost as if the local disposal
company is using the Chevette as a sort of time-share.

>z
Time passes.

>z
Time passes.


You hear an annoying slurping noise as Keegan sucks away the last of his cola.

>z
Time passes.


Keegan finishes off his can of pop and chucks it out the window.

"Hey!" you exclaim. "That can be fucking recycled!"

Keegan shrugs. "It still can be."



>z
Time passes.

>z
Time passes.

>z
Time passes.

>z
Time passes.

>z
Time passes.


Keegan takes the car off the highway.



>z
Time passes.

>z
Time passes.


Keegan takes a right onto a gravely road. "Okay," he says. "Almost there."



>z
Time passes.


Keegan stops the car and turns off the engine. He turns to you. "Time to take
care of biz-ness."



>out

Outside the Graveyard
Keegan parked the car just where the gravel road ends and dirt road starts. The
beginnings of a copse that eventually leads to the graveyard is north while
overgrowth and tumbleweed surround you on all other sides.

You can see Keegan.

>n

Dark Copse
You are just within a dark copse. Keegan's car leads to the south. To the north
is an iron gate.

You can see Keegan.

>n

Before the Iron Gate
A formidable iron gate lays ahead to the north. It continues in both a western
and eastern direction. A dark copse leads about thirty yards to the south.

You can see Keegan.

>e

East of the Graveyard
Thick, fanged fencing surrounds the cemetery to the north.

You can see Keegan.

You can see a motionless cemetery guard here, slumped against the fence.
>look at the guard
Upon touching the guard for examination, he falls apart in several different
sliced pieces! Scraps of his head seperate, squirting blood everywhere. His
midsection undoes like finely sliced salami. You are able to determine that he
was in his late forties, about six-foot tall and approximately two-hundred
thirty pounds. You see that he was carrying a stray piece of lumber with him and
a gun. Upon examination, the gun seems to have no more shots left in it.
>take the gun 
Taken.

>take the lumber
Keegan pipes up with a comment. "Hey, see if you can find anything worthwhile in
my car, willya? I may have a plan for getting over that fence."

>w

Before the Iron Gate
A formidable iron gate lays ahead to the north. It continues in both a western
and eastern direction. A dark copse leads about thirty yards to the south.

>s

Dark Copse
You are just within a dark copse. Keegan's car leads to the south. To the north
is an iron gate.

>s

Outside the Graveyard
Keegan parked the car just where the gravel road ends and dirt road starts. The
beginnings of a copse that eventually leads to the graveyard is north while
overgrowth and tumbleweed surround you on all other sides.

>in

Inside the Chevette
You are inside Keegan's '86 Chevette. You've ribbed him about the car many, many
times and it never gets old. In fact, you pride yourself in thinking of new ways
to express, in quite biting sarcasm, "Keegan, your car sucks." There is
approximately eight pounds of loose garbage strewn about the interior, the lord
of which seems to be Keegan's tobacco spitter neatly residing in the cup holder.
The windows are blackened from a failed tint job which is now quite severely
peeling. The backseat is dominated by months-old newspapers, half-chewed
altoids, the occasional used condom and a mysterious clear vial containing an
unknown fluid. The car's floor is mostly rusted out providing for a
"Flintstones" effect that never, ever, stops being funny.

You notice that Keegan's backseat can probably be removed.

>take the backseat
You rip out the backseat of his car and carry it with you. Doing so reveals a
single functional spring.

>take the spring
Taken.

>out

Outside the Graveyard
Keegan parked the car just where the gravel road ends and dirt road starts. The
beginnings of a copse that eventually leads to the graveyard is north while
overgrowth and tumbleweed surround you on all other sides.

>n

Dark Copse
You are just within a dark copse. Keegan's car leads to the south. To the north
is an iron gate.

>n

Before the Iron Gate
A formidable iron gate lays ahead to the north. It continues in both a western
and eastern direction. A dark copse leads about thirty yards to the south.

You can see Keegan.

>drop the spring
Dropped.

>put the lumber on the spring
You put the piece of lumber on the spring.

>jump on the lumber
You take a running start and proceed to vault off the board, hoping to make it
over the fence. You manage to get pretty solid height when you realize you're
about to come down straight on the fence's fanged stiletos! Luckily, you avoid
getting your chest impaled by using Keegan's backseat as a sort of shield. You
stick it out in front of you and it catches the fangs. You fall over the fence
onto the other side.


Cemetery
You are within the St. Peter Memorial Cemetery. It is has turned out to be a
filthy, dank night. Rain has left the tombstones rather slick and the ground a
muddy mess. Keegan is on the other side of the fence, trying to gauge the
correct moonlight so that he can attempt to vault over the fence in the same
manner you did.
>z
Time passes.


Keegan performs the same manuever you did, and jumps over the fence.

"I guess there was a little bounce still left in that one spring, huh Van?"

>i
You are carrying:
  a glock
  a silvery shovel

>e

Outside the Shed
Before you is a small potter's shed. It's made of a dank, grayish brick and
stinks to high heaven. Mud and filth climb the walls and reach a single,
centered window obscured by cobwebs.

Keegan is here.

>look at the shed
This is a kind of run-down wooden shack, almost nauseating in its rotted stench.


You suddenly hear a loud crash and a hollow, raspy scream! Something is emerging
from the shed!


>look at the thing
It is a rancid spawn of hell, with rotting, scabby flesh that hangs off it in
loose strands. It bleeds profusely with any sort of strenuous movement and cries
continually due to its constant pain. It is strangely muscled and has sharp,
blue bugeyes.


The abomination wails a ghastly cry toward the moon. It spies you and begins to
shamble toward you.


>kill the thing

You attempt to attack the abomination, but it quickly strikes and sends you
flying away!


There is a strong odor of smoke and then a white flash. Instantly, the
abomination and shed are vaporized into a black mist.


>look at the shed
Only a fine, black mist remains of the shed.

>n

Cemetery
You are within a section of the graveyard downhill from where you arrived.
Small, white crosses form rows of rememberance.

Keegan is here.

You can see a short, aggressive shitwank here.
>look at the shitwank

He is an incredibly short piece of dump that lives for beer, barfights and
blondes. He has a wicked Napolean complex and nasty temperment.

The shitwank looks up from the grave he was digging up and draws his weapon. "Do
not fucking move! Not so much as a single inch, or I will fucking kill you? Do
you understand me? I will fucking disintegrate both of your sorry asses!"

>z
Time passes.

The shitwank attempts to fire his weapon at you. However, as it appears obvious
that he is about to pull the trigger you are violently pushed onto the ground by
Keegan. As the energy and flash consume him, you hear a shriek which is suddenly
and cruelly cut off. 

You try to comprehend what just happened and face Keegan's killer. "You are
going to fucking die! Do you understand me? I will fucking bury you, here and
now!"

>kill him

You whip out your shovel and heave it like a javelin at him. He was totally
unprepared for anyone to start chucking shovels at him. Your shot catches him
wholly off guard and he stumbles over the gun, firing it in the process. He
screams before being wholly consumed in a white flash of energy.

>l

Cemetery
You are within a section of the graveyard downhill from where you arrived.
Small, white crosses form rows of rememberance.

>w

Religious Clearing
This is a section of the graveyard free from markers and crosses. Instead, a
large circle has been formed through lifeless, water-starved brown grass.

>w
You are able to crawl to the west without detection.
Shadowy Sculpture
You are at the western edge of the graveyard. A grotesque stone gargoyle
dominates the scene, behind which is a black-clad woman. She appears to be
consulting some sort of tome. You are almost upon her when she notices your
approach.

"Halt!" she commands.

It seems as if she has locked you into place, and you are totally unable to move
away!

You can see a dark, leggy brunette here.

>look at the girl
She is clad almost completely in pitch black leather, with the only exception
that most of her long, gorgeous legs are fully naked. Her hair is dark, long and
crinkled and her eyes seem like small black holes. Her skin is flawless and
golden. She is wearing a medium-length dark cape with deep red trim.

>talk to her
Please select one:

(1) >"Who are you?"

Select a choice or 0 to keep quiet. >> 1

"Far be it from me that I allow you to live the rest of your tortured existence
without knowing just by whom you have been destroyed. My name is Lien Chiu, I am
the Grand Witch of what your people vaguely know as an ancient, evil occult."

You interject. "I'm not a native of the Fort. I have nothing but good cheer for
you and your homies."

She seems unimpressed. "Hm. Get your little comments and barbs in now, as after
you have become a monsterous slave to my every whim and desire your little acid
tongue will be hanging loosely from your pus-infected mouth."

"How do you -- " you are about to ask her how it is that she commands your body
when you are cut off.

"For centuries my ancestors have trained their minds and researched the human
brain. It is to that end that this backhole, fucked up mountain town is perfect
for testing."


>talk to her
Please select one:

(1) >"Why this town? Why now?"


<< From here there remains not much of the game. You may like to save before
asking the girl the question. >>

Feel free to contact me regarding any questions, comments or hints. I can
be reached at:
robb_sherwin@juno.com

I check this account fairly regularly and will contact you as soon as
I see your message. 

Thank you for taking the time to play my game. 


Robb Sherwin
September 30th, 1999



